So, I actually told my mom bout how I was feeling, she said she would talk to her husband. I don’t think she actually did, I think she has good intentions but she never follows through. It makes me feel like she is just yesing me along. I want her to be happy but at what cost? I guess I have to keep dealing with it.
The next couple of weeks r going to be tough, my aunt gets her last check next week and then nothing. She has to go to Welfare and see if they will help. My paycheck won’t be able to cover anything. I know it’s really not my problem but I can’t help stressing because I don’t know what is going to happen. I hate having no control of something. I keep telling her to be positive and it is really getting hard to keep having faith but i have to keep up the facade or she will go crazy. The hits just keep coming and I don’t know how many more I can take.
Sometimes I feel selfish because I keep thinking when is my time going to come. When my aunt was working and we had extra money, I would help pay my sister’s tuition. Now I am stuck with unpaid bill and now no one has money. Its like what I want is getting pushed to the back burner because other things keep coming up. My sister now has her degree and I am stuck with nothing and in a dead-end job. Plus all my dreams r on hold. I know people say u have to make it happen, well sometimes u can’t because family stuff always seem to come up. All I know is that once I am able to get there I will and I will appreciate it. But lately its hard to believe I am going to get there. I feel like I am going to be stuck where I am forever.
Who am I? Does anyone know what its like 2 be in ur late 20’s and not know who u r?? I am trying 2 figure out who I am and where I belong in this world. I feel like I am a toddler. I feel like this because I was always trying 2 be the perfect child 4 my mother because I blamed myself 4 everything that happened. Do u want 2 know the sick thing, I still all this years later and knowing it is not my fault and did not ask 4 it, a little part of me still blames myself or did I ask 4 it. But, because of all this I always tried 2 be what every1 wanted be 2 be and never figured out who I was. So now I have this lovely task of trying 2 figure out who I am, while trying to get my head straight. O yea lets not 4get my damn emotions, but that is a whole different topic. Maybe I will write bout that next, because believe me I have a whole lot 2 say on emotions and how much they suck!!!
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I am new 2 this, but I say what the hell. What harm can it do? I am stuck in this limbo, trying 2 figure out who I am and who I want 2 be. There are so many things that go through my crazy mind and I have such a hard time expressing them. I am currently in therapy trying 2 work through it and express it, but sometimes I found it still so hard 2 do and still feel I hold back just that little bit part of me. I am going 2 the stupidest and craziest thing and let her read this, so I know she will be so angry and disappointed in me. I truly hate when people r disappointed in me and it is really bothering me 2 know she will be. I guess this is all 4 2day, until next time.